Post by ghsot of outhouse on Jan 14, 2016 12:38:25 GMT
Lucha Jack rounded the same dollar-store aisle for the fourth time. The omen of Xolta's birthday weighed down on his neck as he browsed the low shelves.
"Mmmmm, fuck, i keep looking the cleaner liquid, xolta does not need more bleach."
Lucha Jack did another lap before he stopped to slap his own forehead.
"more like bleach my own brain for being a fuc head."
He spun sideways instinctively to dodge a passing shopper's cart, then suddenly rushed to grab his rumbling Lucha Phone from his left pocket.
"fuck forgot to turn off chainsaw mode", said Lucha Jack, failing to turn off chainsaw mode before peeling his left hand like a bloody onion. He forced a grimace (not that anyone could tell through his lucha mask) at his notifications instead of his hand's pain fibers.
"1: by prstn"
"2: hlcinat"
"3: fk"
"4: xotla brhihjdt"
"5: yeti cropse - grabag"
"6: fod"
"where the fuck am i at right now", asked Lucha Jack to his phone.
"You're at Dollar Bid, you weirdo", replied a passing granny.
"mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, more like dollar wibb" said lucha jack three minutes later, to nobody in earshot.
"I give up, might as well do number 2, hallucinate." Five minutes later he walked back to his lucha car, a twenty-pack of off-brand cough syrup in arm.
"Now what?" Lucha jack simultaneously steered and fumbled with the lucha phone before unceremoniously ejecting it into the windshield. He grumbled and tried to remember to exchange this one at the phone dealer like the last fifty times this happened. Before he knew it he had ended up in his driveway, the tires scraping more chunks out of the already sorry-looking curb.
"I'M HOME", screamed Lucha Jack into the still air of his house, as he absorbed the top layer of dirt on the welcome mat into his boots, before launching them at the wall one by one with mighty kicks.
"Ahhhhhhhhhhh", said lucha jack, making a show of inhaling and exhaling as the pores in his feet gasped for oxygen. He walked into his living room and forcefully hip-checked himself into the couch. As his entirety sagged into the feeble layers of the ancient couch, he scanned the room for potential presents. Nothing caught his eye.
"fcuk", said lucha jack. Well, that was agenda item number 3 out of the way at least. He did another scan of the room and only saw his feet and the TV far behind. He groaned, extracted himself from the couch, and stood in the center of the room blankly.
There was the TV, which was covered in bootshaped grime marks. There was no game console because Lucha Jack doesn't play games with fools. His chainsaw lay dirty in a corner, which he picked up because Lucha Jack can't be at a party without his accessory. Assorted lucha clothes lay strewn about. Shelves of assorted paraphernalia which he had long forgotten threatend to drop onto the ground. Scattered patches of yeti hair dotted the carpet, interspersed with the occasional dinosaur scale. Lucha Jack sighed, even in his house the dread enemy would never leave his mind until he died. He went to pick up a pair of his wrestling pants. These wouldn't fit a xolta.
Xolta! He had forgotten about the birthday party. Lucha Jack scrambled into the car, tossed the chainsaw into the front seat, and screeched off into the suburban distance.
______
"mmm i like hambrugers"
Xolta picked the largest burger on the party tray and attempted to fit it into his throat. The party was going well. Various other xolta-like beings of differing shapes milled around with burgers stuffed into their maws.
Lucha jack burst screaming into the xolta house. all eyes turned to him but no burgers fell from mouths.
"ssrrr", said Xolta, prevented by a fresh burger acquired from the burger mound.
"i have present for you xolta prime", said Lucha Jack stiffly.
"hhh cool, ffffnks", said xolta, still prevented by a burger.
"it's a... lucha surprise." Lucha Jack shifted his leg and turned his brain into overdrive.
"ok". No burger could prevent that one. Lucha Jack took that invitation to go look at the decorations surrounding the burger skyscraper. Regular xoltan decorations dotted the interior. Noticeably missing was a present pile. Was this a sign that the lucha surprise was going to be much easier to come up with.
"initiate... lucha... think"
After the burger mountain was finally finished, the rest of the xolta family and xolta friends broke off to discuss dinner options, leaving lucha jack standing rather lamely in the middle of the dining room. The lucha think had failed, and lucha jack's brain was as empty as his burgerless hands.
"how are you", said xolta, as was customary traditional xolta greeting.
"mmmremgggbbbbll", replied Lucha Jack's half-functioning face.
"that's not a answer" said xolta. "so what is the lucha surprise"
"It is..." the Lucha Phone cut his speech short as it buzzed a hole into his pants. Lucha jack extracted it gingerly without touching the saw edes, and read the screen.
"Gonna see u at ur house BABY", said the message from
"LUCHA JANE IS DOING WHAT?" roared Lucha Jack as he threw the lucha phone onto the ground, which ricocheted off the rug and landed balanced on the edge of xolta's puppet stump.
"sorry" said xolta.
Lucha jack said nothing.
Xolta goggled.
Lucha jack stared at nothing.
Xolta stared at his hands.
Lucha Jack continued to stare at nothing.
"sorry"
"thats' your lucha present yu fuck, lucha jane is cheating on me"
"i dont know if thats a good brithday persent"
"choke on my taco shit"
"sorry"
Lucha Jack's fingers itched for a chainsaw.
For lack of a better thing to do, Xolta flippd over the lucha phone with his hands. "i may be dumb as my dumbphone but i dont think thats lucha jane"
"give me that before i cram it up your anus and make your intestines into burger", said lucha jack as he yanked the phone back. His eyes narrowed.
"i can't read phone secret number, but doesnt that mean lucha jane is calling someone baby and accidnetlay message my lucha phone"
"no", said xolta.
"fcuk", said lucha jack, before thinking of a better present. "mayeb yuo want this lucha phone instead"
"sorry", apologized xolta for the 394856th time. "i cant leave my plan"
Lucha Jack threw up his hands, splattering a wall with flecks of blood. "fcuk the plan, just take this shit phone and pawn it off for some cocaine or s-"
"WHERE'S THE COCAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIINE" screeched a voice from the upper floor of the house. Various groans could be heard across the bottom floor.
"sorry" said xolta.
"YOU MEAN SONIC!" declared Sonic the Hedgehog, who carved a trail of hypersonic desolation down the stairs and right into the dining room.
In a single swift motion, Lucha Jack grabbed Sonic by the throat and smashed his skull into the burger table, disintegrating it into countless wood chips and burger particles that dusted the dining room with a fine slurry.
"LUCHA SURPRISE."
"i like it", said xolta.
"Mmmmm, fuck, i keep looking the cleaner liquid, xolta does not need more bleach."
Lucha Jack did another lap before he stopped to slap his own forehead.
"more like bleach my own brain for being a fuc head."
He spun sideways instinctively to dodge a passing shopper's cart, then suddenly rushed to grab his rumbling Lucha Phone from his left pocket.
"fuck forgot to turn off chainsaw mode", said Lucha Jack, failing to turn off chainsaw mode before peeling his left hand like a bloody onion. He forced a grimace (not that anyone could tell through his lucha mask) at his notifications instead of his hand's pain fibers.
"1: by prstn"
"2: hlcinat"
"3: fk"
"4: xotla brhihjdt"
"5: yeti cropse - grabag"
"6: fod"
"where the fuck am i at right now", asked Lucha Jack to his phone.
"You're at Dollar Bid, you weirdo", replied a passing granny.
"mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, more like dollar wibb" said lucha jack three minutes later, to nobody in earshot.
"I give up, might as well do number 2, hallucinate." Five minutes later he walked back to his lucha car, a twenty-pack of off-brand cough syrup in arm.
"Now what?" Lucha jack simultaneously steered and fumbled with the lucha phone before unceremoniously ejecting it into the windshield. He grumbled and tried to remember to exchange this one at the phone dealer like the last fifty times this happened. Before he knew it he had ended up in his driveway, the tires scraping more chunks out of the already sorry-looking curb.
"I'M HOME", screamed Lucha Jack into the still air of his house, as he absorbed the top layer of dirt on the welcome mat into his boots, before launching them at the wall one by one with mighty kicks.
"Ahhhhhhhhhhh", said lucha jack, making a show of inhaling and exhaling as the pores in his feet gasped for oxygen. He walked into his living room and forcefully hip-checked himself into the couch. As his entirety sagged into the feeble layers of the ancient couch, he scanned the room for potential presents. Nothing caught his eye.
"fcuk", said lucha jack. Well, that was agenda item number 3 out of the way at least. He did another scan of the room and only saw his feet and the TV far behind. He groaned, extracted himself from the couch, and stood in the center of the room blankly.
There was the TV, which was covered in bootshaped grime marks. There was no game console because Lucha Jack doesn't play games with fools. His chainsaw lay dirty in a corner, which he picked up because Lucha Jack can't be at a party without his accessory. Assorted lucha clothes lay strewn about. Shelves of assorted paraphernalia which he had long forgotten threatend to drop onto the ground. Scattered patches of yeti hair dotted the carpet, interspersed with the occasional dinosaur scale. Lucha Jack sighed, even in his house the dread enemy would never leave his mind until he died. He went to pick up a pair of his wrestling pants. These wouldn't fit a xolta.
Xolta! He had forgotten about the birthday party. Lucha Jack scrambled into the car, tossed the chainsaw into the front seat, and screeched off into the suburban distance.
______
"mmm i like hambrugers"
Xolta picked the largest burger on the party tray and attempted to fit it into his throat. The party was going well. Various other xolta-like beings of differing shapes milled around with burgers stuffed into their maws.
Lucha jack burst screaming into the xolta house. all eyes turned to him but no burgers fell from mouths.
"ssrrr", said Xolta, prevented by a fresh burger acquired from the burger mound.
"i have present for you xolta prime", said Lucha Jack stiffly.
"hhh cool, ffffnks", said xolta, still prevented by a burger.
"it's a... lucha surprise." Lucha Jack shifted his leg and turned his brain into overdrive.
"ok". No burger could prevent that one. Lucha Jack took that invitation to go look at the decorations surrounding the burger skyscraper. Regular xoltan decorations dotted the interior. Noticeably missing was a present pile. Was this a sign that the lucha surprise was going to be much easier to come up with.
"initiate... lucha... think"
After the burger mountain was finally finished, the rest of the xolta family and xolta friends broke off to discuss dinner options, leaving lucha jack standing rather lamely in the middle of the dining room. The lucha think had failed, and lucha jack's brain was as empty as his burgerless hands.
"how are you", said xolta, as was customary traditional xolta greeting.
"mmmremgggbbbbll", replied Lucha Jack's half-functioning face.
"that's not a answer" said xolta. "so what is the lucha surprise"
"It is..." the Lucha Phone cut his speech short as it buzzed a hole into his pants. Lucha jack extracted it gingerly without touching the saw edes, and read the screen.
"Gonna see u at ur house BABY", said the message from
"LUCHA JANE IS DOING WHAT?" roared Lucha Jack as he threw the lucha phone onto the ground, which ricocheted off the rug and landed balanced on the edge of xolta's puppet stump.
"sorry" said xolta.
Lucha jack said nothing.
Xolta goggled.
Lucha jack stared at nothing.
Xolta stared at his hands.
Lucha Jack continued to stare at nothing.
"sorry"
"thats' your lucha present yu fuck, lucha jane is cheating on me"
"i dont know if thats a good brithday persent"
"choke on my taco shit"
"sorry"
Lucha Jack's fingers itched for a chainsaw.
For lack of a better thing to do, Xolta flippd over the lucha phone with his hands. "i may be dumb as my dumbphone but i dont think thats lucha jane"
"give me that before i cram it up your anus and make your intestines into burger", said lucha jack as he yanked the phone back. His eyes narrowed.
"i can't read phone secret number, but doesnt that mean lucha jane is calling someone baby and accidnetlay message my lucha phone"
"no", said xolta.
"fcuk", said lucha jack, before thinking of a better present. "mayeb yuo want this lucha phone instead"
"sorry", apologized xolta for the 394856th time. "i cant leave my plan"
Lucha Jack threw up his hands, splattering a wall with flecks of blood. "fcuk the plan, just take this shit phone and pawn it off for some cocaine or s-"
"WHERE'S THE COCAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIINE" screeched a voice from the upper floor of the house. Various groans could be heard across the bottom floor.
"sorry" said xolta.
"YOU MEAN SONIC!" declared Sonic the Hedgehog, who carved a trail of hypersonic desolation down the stairs and right into the dining room.
In a single swift motion, Lucha Jack grabbed Sonic by the throat and smashed his skull into the burger table, disintegrating it into countless wood chips and burger particles that dusted the dining room with a fine slurry.
"LUCHA SURPRISE."
"i like it", said xolta.