Post by Spuvsy on Nov 24, 2014 22:56:15 GMT
Tommy “T-Bone” Carapaceface had been trained since birth to be a badass wizard with a hard on for killin ghosts, because you know what? Fuck ghosts. He got the nickname T-Bone after driving his bone Honda straight into the side of a wooden wagon a bunch of homeless orcs had stolen, they were all wearing sheets over their heads to keep warm. That’s not even what ghosts look like, but Tommy Carapaceface hates ghosts so goddamn much he didn’t even give a fuck. By the way, Tommy has a lobster for a head. And not like, the head of a lobster, or like a lobsters face. It’s the whole goddamn lobster. By the way x2, his name was Carapaceface before this happened. Yeah, that’s some self-fulfilling prophecy shit right there.
Today was the day T-Bone was going to get his upgraded wizard belt. In his ghost killing school (Monsieur Bastille’s Day School for Fuckin up Those Undead Mothereffers and Catholic Education) the level reached in wizardry was denoted by coloured belts, Tommy had a blue one and today he was finally moving up to puce. The most magical shade. He was so pumped up, he didn’t notice his friend Ramblin’ Carl sneak up behind him and smash a chair over his back. Carl was a half orc half treant, he got the nickname ramblin’ because he got lost in the woods one day and nobody saw him for 6 months, when he finally returned he had 12 crates full of ramblin’ root beer. Nobody knew where it came from, and nobody gave a shit.
“Swiggidy swayyyy” said Carl, as Tommy picked the shards of wood out of his totally rad triple ponytail.
“Swiggidy swayyyy” Tommy replied, doing that thing with his hands that Roy did in that episode of The Simpsons that had Roy in, you know the one I mean.
“Yo, Tommy Bone my man my boy my son” he looked stoic for a second “my friend. Today is the day YOU BECOME A MAN”
“No, Carl, I already rubbed my balls on a girls bedroom wall like you told me, I’m already a man”
“That is how you become a man, but today you become a man who has become at least 2/3rds proficient in FUCKING UP GHOSTS!”
“YEAH FUCK GHOSTS” As Tommy said this he punched the air to his sides then did a spinning windmill kick, hoping that he’d just beat up like 40 ghosts.
“Now get in that crusty old dean’s office and get yourself a puceyyyy” Carl then farted, turned into a leaf and floated away.
“Okay bye Carl.” Tommy said, pushing open the wooden door to the office inscribed with the words ‘An angel gas brake dips in the O, and even if a d-boy flips him a O’, the words were super inspiring. Inside, the dean had pushed his desk up against the wall so there was more space. Stood in the centre of the room with his arms folded was a 10 ft troll, wearing a robe with a belt all kindsa crazy colours. This belt was so dang colourful, it’d make you jizz in your pants so hard you’d ruin three pairs of pants, and two of them ain’t even yours! This guy had probably rubbed his balls on a bunch of girls bedroom walls.
“Tommy Carapaceface, today is the day you learn how to be…A wicked ghost killing machiiiine” as he said this last word he raised his arms to the air and lightning struck his palms. “Are you ready Tommy, to take off your shittyass blue belt, and get this fucking awesome puce one? I HOPE THE ANSWER IS YES BECAUSE IT WAS A RHETORICAL QUESTION THE TASK STARTS NOW!!”
Suddenly Tommy found himself teleported to a dankass dungeon, surrounded by like a thousand skeletons, but it was more like about 10. The dean’s voice echoed through the crypt “If you are going to be a ghost killah, first you have to beat dead dudes who still got bones and shit.”
T-Bone didn’t need to hear any more. Sound of madness by shinedown started playing, as tommy leaped into the air and ran across the heads of the skeletons like it wasn’t no thing. At the end of the boney path he did a front flip sideways corkscrew in mid-air and kicked a skeleton so hard in the face that his jaw came flying off and embedded itself in a wall. Then all the teeth in the jaw exploded into a million pieces and sprinkled to the floor, then a tiny mouse wizard came out his hole, said a magical incantation that turned the teeth dust in a little horse, which the mouse hopped on and rode away.
Meanwhile 3 of the sketons had attached their arm bones together so there was like, one dude in the middle with just the top half of his arms attached to the full arms of the other two but without the hands, and the guys on the side started doing cartwheels like fucking maniacs. Tommy did a triple uppercut (that’s when you use both arms and your knee) on them and they exploded into bones, which landed in the shape of a grand piano, did a little tune, then exploded!
“Take that, you cracker ass skeleton bastards” tommy said, a bit like a skeleton racist. He then span in a circle 3 times, did a backflip onto a wall and rocket propelled himself through the remaining skeletons, double killing them all.
The dean’s voice could be heard again “That was good work Tommy Carapaceface, but now you will face your true challenge! THE GHOSTS OF YOUR PARENTS!!!!”
“hi tommy!” said mr and mrs carapaceface
“NOOOOOOOO!!!!!”
“AND ALSO YOUR FRIEND CARL!!!”
“NOOOOOO!!”
“That’s right Tommy, I was trained from birth to help you train from birth until the day came you’d have to train on me to get your puce ghost killing belt! Also your parents are ghosts and we made them ghosts to see if you hated ghosts so much that you’d kill your own parents. We didn’t think it through very well but we can’t live in the past!”
“I don’t know what to do!” shouted tommy, dropping to the floor all dramatic.
“You wouldn’t kill your momma and poppa would you tommy?” said mrs carapaceface, who was wearing an apron and holding a tray of cookies.
“I CAN’T DOUBLE KILL MY OWN PARENTS!” beams of energy shot out of tommy when he said this and hit into his parents, which shot out 100 times out of both of them hitting into all the skeleton ghosts that were now in the room because by the way that’s totally a thing. All the ghosts started glowing then got sucked into tommy’s body.
“I KNOW WHAT I HAVE TO DO” Said tommy, his eyes glowing blue like a crazy guy.
“Tommy T-Bone! What have you done!” shouted carl and the dean at the same time because they had such a good rappore.
“MY NAME ISN’T TOMMY CARAPACEFACE ANY MORE, CALL ME TOMMY GH0STF4C3!” he crashed out of the roof of the dungeon and flew into the distance.
TO BE CONTINUED
Today was the day T-Bone was going to get his upgraded wizard belt. In his ghost killing school (Monsieur Bastille’s Day School for Fuckin up Those Undead Mothereffers and Catholic Education) the level reached in wizardry was denoted by coloured belts, Tommy had a blue one and today he was finally moving up to puce. The most magical shade. He was so pumped up, he didn’t notice his friend Ramblin’ Carl sneak up behind him and smash a chair over his back. Carl was a half orc half treant, he got the nickname ramblin’ because he got lost in the woods one day and nobody saw him for 6 months, when he finally returned he had 12 crates full of ramblin’ root beer. Nobody knew where it came from, and nobody gave a shit.
“Swiggidy swayyyy” said Carl, as Tommy picked the shards of wood out of his totally rad triple ponytail.
“Swiggidy swayyyy” Tommy replied, doing that thing with his hands that Roy did in that episode of The Simpsons that had Roy in, you know the one I mean.
“Yo, Tommy Bone my man my boy my son” he looked stoic for a second “my friend. Today is the day YOU BECOME A MAN”
“No, Carl, I already rubbed my balls on a girls bedroom wall like you told me, I’m already a man”
“That is how you become a man, but today you become a man who has become at least 2/3rds proficient in FUCKING UP GHOSTS!”
“YEAH FUCK GHOSTS” As Tommy said this he punched the air to his sides then did a spinning windmill kick, hoping that he’d just beat up like 40 ghosts.
“Now get in that crusty old dean’s office and get yourself a puceyyyy” Carl then farted, turned into a leaf and floated away.
“Okay bye Carl.” Tommy said, pushing open the wooden door to the office inscribed with the words ‘An angel gas brake dips in the O, and even if a d-boy flips him a O’, the words were super inspiring. Inside, the dean had pushed his desk up against the wall so there was more space. Stood in the centre of the room with his arms folded was a 10 ft troll, wearing a robe with a belt all kindsa crazy colours. This belt was so dang colourful, it’d make you jizz in your pants so hard you’d ruin three pairs of pants, and two of them ain’t even yours! This guy had probably rubbed his balls on a bunch of girls bedroom walls.
“Tommy Carapaceface, today is the day you learn how to be…A wicked ghost killing machiiiine” as he said this last word he raised his arms to the air and lightning struck his palms. “Are you ready Tommy, to take off your shittyass blue belt, and get this fucking awesome puce one? I HOPE THE ANSWER IS YES BECAUSE IT WAS A RHETORICAL QUESTION THE TASK STARTS NOW!!”
Suddenly Tommy found himself teleported to a dankass dungeon, surrounded by like a thousand skeletons, but it was more like about 10. The dean’s voice echoed through the crypt “If you are going to be a ghost killah, first you have to beat dead dudes who still got bones and shit.”
T-Bone didn’t need to hear any more. Sound of madness by shinedown started playing, as tommy leaped into the air and ran across the heads of the skeletons like it wasn’t no thing. At the end of the boney path he did a front flip sideways corkscrew in mid-air and kicked a skeleton so hard in the face that his jaw came flying off and embedded itself in a wall. Then all the teeth in the jaw exploded into a million pieces and sprinkled to the floor, then a tiny mouse wizard came out his hole, said a magical incantation that turned the teeth dust in a little horse, which the mouse hopped on and rode away.
Meanwhile 3 of the sketons had attached their arm bones together so there was like, one dude in the middle with just the top half of his arms attached to the full arms of the other two but without the hands, and the guys on the side started doing cartwheels like fucking maniacs. Tommy did a triple uppercut (that’s when you use both arms and your knee) on them and they exploded into bones, which landed in the shape of a grand piano, did a little tune, then exploded!
“Take that, you cracker ass skeleton bastards” tommy said, a bit like a skeleton racist. He then span in a circle 3 times, did a backflip onto a wall and rocket propelled himself through the remaining skeletons, double killing them all.
The dean’s voice could be heard again “That was good work Tommy Carapaceface, but now you will face your true challenge! THE GHOSTS OF YOUR PARENTS!!!!”
“hi tommy!” said mr and mrs carapaceface
“NOOOOOOOO!!!!!”
“AND ALSO YOUR FRIEND CARL!!!”
“NOOOOOO!!”
“That’s right Tommy, I was trained from birth to help you train from birth until the day came you’d have to train on me to get your puce ghost killing belt! Also your parents are ghosts and we made them ghosts to see if you hated ghosts so much that you’d kill your own parents. We didn’t think it through very well but we can’t live in the past!”
“I don’t know what to do!” shouted tommy, dropping to the floor all dramatic.
“You wouldn’t kill your momma and poppa would you tommy?” said mrs carapaceface, who was wearing an apron and holding a tray of cookies.
“I CAN’T DOUBLE KILL MY OWN PARENTS!” beams of energy shot out of tommy when he said this and hit into his parents, which shot out 100 times out of both of them hitting into all the skeleton ghosts that were now in the room because by the way that’s totally a thing. All the ghosts started glowing then got sucked into tommy’s body.
“I KNOW WHAT I HAVE TO DO” Said tommy, his eyes glowing blue like a crazy guy.
“Tommy T-Bone! What have you done!” shouted carl and the dean at the same time because they had such a good rappore.
“MY NAME ISN’T TOMMY CARAPACEFACE ANY MORE, CALL ME TOMMY GH0STF4C3!” he crashed out of the roof of the dungeon and flew into the distance.
TO BE CONTINUED
