Loose Cannon Crops

[KDarkness]

I've been bouncing this idea around in my head forever because it's absurdly hilarious to me and I've finally got the inspiration proper to make it. This will be happening in place of the Naked Lucha shit mmmmmmm not sorry.



Jack: Produce City. The hardest, hard-boiled city in the nation. If you're a cop like me, you gotta be even more hard-boiled. More hard-boiled than a serialized pulp hero. Hard-boiled like a fuckin' egg that's been left in the pot too long.



Jack: When you're a cop in this city, you see a lot of shit. More shit than a guy who empties septic tanks. More shit than the elephant-keeper at the zoo. Some days, I gotta wear rubber boots and a breathing mask in preparation for all the shit I'm gonna see. That much shit messes a guy up.



Jack: I'm here to tell you all a story about me, and my partner. I used to go solo, you know. Seeing shit by myself every damn day for more years than I care to count. But my partner, he was a good guy. But now he's gone, and I'm reachin' the end of my time here. It won't be long until I clock out. Bite the dust. Buy the farm. Kick the bucket. Kiss my ass goodbye. But before I go, I gotta tell this story to someone.



Jack: After all this stuff I'm about to tell you went down, I started feelin' a little hollow. Maybe all that shit finally caught up me. Maybe I'm just finally reachin' the end of my rope. Maybe I cared about my partner more than I thought. Or maybe...



Jack: ...it's because I'm a fuckin' apple who has a beard and a head-wound and goes through cigars like they're breath-mints after an Italian meal.

[xolta]

Huzza more new web comic series. The premise is interesting and i like how jacks rambling on about things.

[Chiropto]

Holy shit, a Borflorgh comic with an actual plot!

I love the title, and that line about all the shit was pretty funny.

This has potential.

[KDarkness]

Well I did the first part of this chapter but then I hit some writer's block so I'm gonna go ahead and post what I have done

(I am so good at story exposition you guys)

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CHAPTER ONE: DANGER ON THE DARK DOCKS: PART ONE

Narrator Jack: It all started some time ago, when I was still rollin' solo and still had a bitchin' goatee, and before I developed a penchant for long-winded monologues and metaphors...



Narrator Jack: I just concluded a particularly messy case in a particularly messy way. Some insane strawberries had kidnapped the daughter of a rich gourd investment banker named S. Q. Wash who had a lot of assets in the stalk market and taken her to some warehouse on the docks.  My instructions were to save the girl and bring at least a couple of the berries in for questioning. Things went bad and I got the girl, but by the end there was enough strawberry jam on the walls of that warehouse to spread on some serious toast, if you know what I mean. The story begins with me in Commissioner Pitt's office, receiving yet another ass-busting for my way of handling things...



Pitt: ...and god forbid you ever try to get a promotion! You don't get an office with such a big window like mine by doing things the way you do! Not only did you crash a police car into that warehouse because it, I quote, "LOOKED COOL", but you also splattered all five of those strawberries! What the hell were you thinking!? Instead of getting information from them, we were getting them off the walls with rubber gloves and spatulas! Your conduct and waste of resources is appalling, and frankly...



Pitt: ...I'm PLUM tired of it!



Jack: With all due respect, those berries were out of their fuckin' minds! What the hell did you expect to get out of them? You would have been lucky if they had even told you their names!

Pitt: Jack, how dense are you?  You know that S. Q. Wash was connected to the ongoing investigation regarding Don Spudleone! We could finally have gotten the lead we've been looking for!

Jack: You really think those berries were from Spudleone? It didn't seem like his style. Usually he just sends one of his cronies to whack someone with the fry oil. I don't think they're connected, Commissioner.

Pitt: Jack, you should know that EVERYTHING is connected by now! Allow me to redirect your attention to...

Jack: oh fuck not again



Pitt: ...THE CRIME CONNECTION BOARD!

Jack: Shit.

Pitt: This obligatory corkboard with newspaper clippings, photos, and lines of red string shows the majority of our poorly rendered clues and leads in the Spudleone case!

Jack: I know it does; I've read it thousands of times.

Pitt: Obviously not, because if you had, you would've known that S. Q. Wash was suspected to be one of Spudleone's primary collaborators until he publicly cut ties with Spudleone two days ago! Jack, how could you be so reckless!? The kidnapping of Wash's daughter is obviously related to the Spudleone case! We could have finally had the lead we needed to catch that slippery bastard! Take a look at that picture on the left.



Pitt: That's the only clear photograph we have of Spudleone, and it was taken eight years ago! This tuber bastard has been running the underworld right under our noses, and we barely have jack shit on him! We have an idea on how he operates, but no information on where he is, or what he even looks like now!

Jack: Alright, fine, I fucked up. You happy? I admitted it. Now can I please get the hell out of this office?

Pitt: Not so fast. We received a tip earlier today. There's supposed something going down at the docks on the west side of town tonight. Maybe it's nothing, but I'm willing to give you another chance. I want you to go out with one of our new recruits tonight-

Jack: A new recruit! No. Fuck that. You know I do things solo.

Pitt: Damn it Jack, listen to me! You're on thin ice here. All I want you do is to go scout it out with him. If you don't do this, I can't guarantee you'll be on the force much longer, and I'm not bullshitting you this time. That strawberry mess was the final straw for a lot of the higher-ups.

Jack: ...Fine. But this had better not be a waste of my time.

Pitt: If it's somehow related to Spudleone, it won't be. This case is hot Jack, and every cop within a three state radius is itching to get at Spudleone.

Jack: Well, I guess that would make Spudleone...



Jack: ...a HOT POTATO.





Pitt: Get the hell out of my office.

[xolta]

The puns and word paly in this is top notch.

[KDarkness]

My contract requires me to include at least two puns per update

[Chiropto]

I expect you to go well above that.

[hecatetrivia]

I love this more than I can properly express.

[KDarkness]

CHAPTER ONE: DANGER ON THE DARK DOCKS PART TWO





S. Q. Wash: Look, I did everything you asked me to! The press conference went smoothly, and nobody suspected a thing! So why, pray tell, did you send armed thugs to kidnap my daughter!? We had a plan! That wasn't part of the plan! I'm a banker! I follow plans! In my business, we have rules! You of all people should know that! You've been sticking your nose into my business for years! So tell me: what the hell is going on!?

UNKNOWN: Wash. Shut up.

Wash: I-

UNKNOWN: You listen to me. There's a plan. But it's not our plan now. It's my plan. Your plan is over. The mission wasn't accomplished. It failed. You failed. Right now, I have you under my total control, you comb-overed fuck. Right now, your entire life depends on my word. Do you know what I'm doing right now, Wash?

Wash: I, uh...no?



Unknown: Right now I am standing at the side of my pool that was just installed in my stronghold. I am very relaxed. However, if I was to become un-relaxed by something you said or did, if you made me angry...I could simply make one phone call and you and your house and your entire existence would vanish from the face of this planet. Got it?

Wash: ...yes.

UNKNOWN: Good. I may be older, but I'm not any less powerful. Eight years in hiding may make some men weak, but I'm more powerful than ever. Who was it that you gave you your job? Who was it that gave you your house? And what did I ask in return? For nothing but some loyalty. I only keep you around because you've remained loyal. Through all your failures, you've remained loyal. And sometimes what I need most is a loyal man. So stay loyal, understand? It's the only thing keeping you around. Understand?

Wash: ...

UNKNOWN: ...jesus, are you sweating again?



Wash: ...uh, no?

UNKNOWN: Don't lie to me, Wash. I can tell when you're sweating, even over the phone. It makes me sick. I'm going to hang up now, because I don't want your disgusting squash sweat getting on my wireless connection.

Wash: I can't help it! I get nervous!

UNKNOWN: Good. Now, I want you to go down to your basement and make sure everything is in place. In two days time, the transaction will continue. Remember Wash, everything is going according to plan. My plan. Did you make that phone call according to my instructions?

Wash: Yes. They have no idea. They're desperate for anything that has to do with you.

UNKNOWN: Of course they are. Goodbye, Wash.

Wash: Uh, good-*click*



Spudleone: It's going to be a real pleasure when I get to squash that fool.



Wash: Well, uh...I guess I had better check the basement, like he said...



Wash: Yep, because he told me to do it, the action of me moving to the basement sure isn't a sudden and awkward transition...



Narrator Jack: After I finished arguing with Pitt, I met my partner, this guy:



Narrator Jack: His name was Cecil. He was fresh out of some academy or some shit; I can't remember. It doesn't matter. Our first encounter doesn't matter either because we were standing in awkward positions and our dialogue was pretty lame. All that matters is when we really started talking. It's when I found out he was the brains to my brawn, the good cop to my not-good cop. It's when I found out there was something fishy about the Spudleone case.I could make it sound cool like it happened in my office or something, but it went down outside in the alley, actually...



Cecil: So, uh, I see you smoke...a lot...

Jack: Yeah, you got a problem with it?

Cecil: No, no...just making an observation...listen, I read all the files on the Spudleone case-

Jack: You actually read that shit?

Cecil: -and something doesn't add up. Don't you think it's just a little too convenient that Wash's daughter is kidnapped only one day after Wash cuts ties with Spudleone? Spudleone's not an idiot. He knew the case could be connected right to him? So why would he do it?



Jack: Damn, you're pretty smart. So what do you know about this place that we're supposed to be scoping out tonight?

Cecil: Well, we haven't been able to pinpoint where the anonymous tip came in from, but if all my suspicions are correct, Spudleone may have...



Cecil: ...LETTUCE right into a trap!


Edited for redundant grammar and continuity errors whoops

[Chiropto]

I love the "THIS GUY" and "OUTSIDE IN THE ALLEY, ACTUALLY"

[xolta]

A cornucopia of fruit based word play.Thats why its so appealing.

[The Leader]

WHY HAVE I NOT BEEN HERE

I LOVE THIS